Office Jokes

An organization is like a tree full of monkeys, all on different limbs at different levels. The monkeys on top look down and see a tree full of smiling faces. The monkeys on the bottom look up and see nothing but assholes.

                           --∞--∞--∞--∞--

Why was the lawyer skimming the Bible right before he died? He was looking for loopholes!

                           --∞--∞--∞--∞--

 A Chinese man rings his boss and says: Me sick I cann`t come to work.

The Boss says: "when I am sick, I fuck my wife ... try that?"

Two hours later the Chinese man rings back and says: "Me better now you got a nice house!"

                           --∞--∞--∞--∞--

A guy walks into work, and both of his ears are all bandaged up. The boss says, "What happened to your ears?"

He says, "Yesterday I was ironing a shirt when the phone rang and shhh! I accidentally answered the iron."

The boss says, "Well, that explains one ear, but what happened to your other ear?"

He says, "Well, geez, I had to call the doctor!"

                           --∞--∞--∞--∞--

The boss at the pub went up to the bartender and asked, "Have you been fooling around with the waitress?!"

"Oh no, sir, I sure haven't," replied the bartender.

The boss replied, "Good, then you fire her!"

                           --∞--∞--∞--∞--

In a small town in the US, there is a rather sizable factory that hires only married men. Concerned about this, a local woman called on the manager and asked him, "Why is it you limit your employees to married men? Is it because you think women are weak, dumb, cantankerous ... or what?"

"Not at all, Ma'am," the manager replied. "It is because our employees are used to obeying orders, are accustomed to being shoved around, know how to keep their mouths shut and don't pout when I yell at them."

                           --∞--∞--∞--∞--

An Indian walks into a cafe with a shotgun in one hand and a bucket of buffalo manure in the other. He says to the waiter, "Me want coffee".

The waiter says, "Sure chief, coming right up". He gets the Indian a tall mug of coffee, and the Indian drinks it down in one gulp, picks up the bucket of manure, throws it into the air, blasts it with the shotgun, then just walks out.

The next morning the Indian returns. He has his shotgun in one hand and a bucket of buffalo manure in the other. He walks up to the counter and says to the waiter, "Me want coffee". The waiter says "Whoa, Tonto. We're still cleaning up your mess from the last time you were here. What the heck was that all about, anyway?"

The Indian smiles and proudly says, "Me in training for upper management. Come in, drink coffee, shoot the shit, and disappear for the rest of the day."

                           --∞--∞--∞--∞--

10. No-one ever steals your chair.

     9. Gives "bad hair day" a whole new meaning.
     8. Diverts attention from the fact that you also came to work drunk.
     7. People stop stealing your pens after they've seen where you keep them.
     6. You want to see if it's like the dream.
     5. To stop those creepy programmer guys from looking down your blouse.
     4. "I'd love to chip in... but I left my wallet in my pants."
     3. It's an inventive way to finally meet that 'special' person in Human Resources.
     2. You can take advantage of your computer monitor radiation to work on your tan.

      And ... drum roll ... the Number One reason to go to work naked :

1. Your boss will never say, "I wanna see your ass in here by 8:00!" ever again.

                           --∞--∞--∞--∞--

Ten best things to say if you get caught sleeping at your desk
        
         10."They told me at the blood bank this might happen."
         9."This is just a 15 minute power nap like they raved about in that time   management course you sent me to."
         8. "Whew! Guess I left the top off the white out. You probably got here just in time."
         7. "I wasn't sleeping, I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm."
         6. "I was testing my keyboard for drool resistance."
         5. "I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work-related stress. Do you discriminate against people who practice Yoga?"
         4. "Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem."
         3. "The coffee machine is broken."
         2. "Someone must have put decaf in the wrong pot."
         1. " ... in God's name, Amen."

                           --∞--∞--∞--∞--

A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude and
spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me,
can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I
don't know where I am."

The woman below replied, "You're in a hot air balloon hovering
approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 41 degrees
north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."

"You must be an engineer," said the balloonist. "I am," replied the woman,
"How did you know?"

"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is, technically
correct, but I've no idea what to make of your information, and the fact
is I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If anything,
you've delayed my trip."

The woman below responded, "You must be in Management." "I am," replied
the balloonist, "but how did you know?"

"Well," said the woman, "you don't know where you are or where you're
going. You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air.

You made a promise which you've no idea how to keep, and you expect people
beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same
position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault."