Blonde Jokes

 

Three blondes were walking through a forest when they came upon a set of tracks.

   The first blonde looked down at the tracks and said, "I think these are bird tracks."
   The second blonde looked at them and said, "No, these are deer tracks."
   The third blonde looked down, and BOOM!!! she gets run over by a train.

There was this typical peroxide blonde. She was really tired of being made fun of and being called a ditz, so she decided to get a makeover. She went to a salon and had her hair done so that she was, once again, a brunette. Now that she was a brunette, she decided she would take a drive in the country. So she hopped into her convertible and started driving.

     She saw a farmer and a flock of sheep and thought, "Oh! Those sheep are so adorable!" She got out and walked over to the farmer and said, "If I can guess how many sheep you have, can I take one home?" The farmer, looking skeptical, said she could.
     So the blonde looked at the flock and said, "157." The farmer was amazed because she was right. She picked one out and was getting in her car when the farmer walked up to her.
     "If I can guess the real color of your hair, can I have my dog back?"

Did you hear about the blonde who locked her keys in the car? It took her an hour to get her family out of the car.

Two blondes observed in a parking lot trying to unlock the door of a Mercedes with a coat hanger:

Blonde #1: I can't seem to get this door unlocked!
Blonde #2: Well you better hurry up and try harder, because it's starting to rain and the top is down!

Q. What goes: VROOM... SCREECH... VROOM... SCREECH... VROOM... SCREECH?

A. A blonde going through a flashing red light.

Q. How do you drive a blonde crazy?

A. Give her a bag of M & M s and tell her to alphabetize them.

Q. Why does it take longer to build a blonde snowman?

A. Cause you have to hollow out it's head!

  A blonde walked into a doctor's office with two burnt ears. The doctor asked her, "What happened to your ear?" The blonde replied, "I was ironing and the phone rang, so instead of picking up the phone, I picked up the iron and put it to my ear.

     Still not satisfied, the doctor asked, "Well, what happened to the other ear?"
     "The sucker called again!"

 One day 2 blondes decided to drive to Disney Land. When they saw a sign that said 'Disney Land left' they turned around and went home.

   

 A blonde goes into a Best Buy. She asks a clerk if she can buy the TV in the corner. The clerk looks at her and says that he doesn't serve blondes, so she goes back home and dyes her hair black.

     The next day she returns to the store and asks the same thing and again the clerk said he doesn't serve blondes.

  Frustrated, the blonde goes home and dyes her hair yet again, to a shade of red. Sure that a clerk would sell her the TV this time, she returns and asks a different clerk this time. To her astonishment, this clerk also says that she doesn't serve blondes. The blonde asks the clerk, "How do you know I am a blonde?"

     The clerk looks at her disgustedly and says,"That's not a TV - it's a microwave."

                                                                                  

 

     Q. Why do blondes always smile during lightning storms?

     A.They think their picture is being taken.

    Q. Why can't Blondes dial 911?

    A. They can't find the 11 on the phone!

    A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. Then one day she comes home and finds her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself. Hysterically the blonde responds to the husband, "Shut up...you're next!"

  
           Once there was a blonde who was going to take flying lessons, so she went to the airport to rent a plane. The manager told her there were no planes left so she would have to use a helicopter. So the blonde got in the helicopter and took off. Every 10 miles she checked in with the manager; after the first 10 miles, she said it was a blast. When she reached 20 she told him that she had never seen so many buttons. But when she reached 30 miles she didn't check in so the manager went to rescue her. When he found her he asked her how she crashed. The blonde replied, "It was getting cold so I turned off the big fan."

  
     One day, a blonde went to a ventriloquist show. During the show, the ventriloquist used his       "dummy" to make fun of blondes. The crowd roared with laughter, but the blonde was angry.
     Outraged, she stood up and said, "How dare you make fun of blondes!"
     The ventriloquist replied saying, "Madam, I'm very sorry. But it's just part of the act."
     The blonde screamed, "You shutup! I'm talking to the little man on your knee!"


     A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do. "Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
      The blonde said "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and other materials that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?" The man replied, "She should, she was standing on it."
      A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money. "You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats." Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50.
      "And by the way," the blonde added, "it's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."

 

          A blonde was going on a plane trip to New York. When the attendant came by and asked for her ticket, she told the blonde,"I'm sorry. Your ticket isn't for first class. Could you please move to your seat." The blonde replied,"Im blonde, I'm beautiful, and I'm going to New York." The attendant said,"That's fine miss, but you'll have to go to your seat." The blonde responded again, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, and I'm going to New York."

      This conversation continued, always with the blonde's same response. The attendant got so upset that she went to the captain and told him about the blonde. The captain went and whispered something in the blonde's ear and the blonde immeadiately got up and went to her seat in coach.
      The attendant asked the captain how he got the stubborn blonde to move. He said, "I just told her that this part of the plane wasn't going to New York."

 

      A blind guy on a bar stool shouts to the bartender, "Wanna hear a blonde joke?"

      In a hushed voice, the guy next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, you should know something.
      Our bartender IS blonde, the bouncer is blonde. I'm a 6' tall, 200 lb black belt. The guy sitting next to me is 6'2, weighs 225 and he's a rugby player. The fella to your right is 6'5" pushing 300 and he's a wrestler. Each one of US is blonde. Think about it, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?"
     The blind guy says, "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."

 

      After leaving a store, a blonde walked out and went up to a soda machine. The blonde put in 50 cents and out popped a coke. She searched her bag for more money. She found some and kept feeding the machine money. Cokes and Sprite and Mountain Dew bottles began rolling down the street.

      A young man walked up behind her and watched this for a few minutes. Then he asked, "Can I get one now?"
      She whizzed around and yelled, "No way, can't you see I'm winning?"


     A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead are standing in front of the Mirror of Truth. It sucks up and kills anyone who tells a lie in front of it. So the brunette says, "I'm the smartest person in the world." She gets sucked up and dies.The redhead says,"I've got the most curly hair," and she gets sucked up and dies also. The blonde says,"I think....." and she gets sucked up and dies.


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