Doctor doctor, I've swallowed my pocket money
* Take this and we'll see if there's any change in the morning
Doctor doctor, I'm at death's door!
* Don't worry, we'll soon pull you through
Doctor doctor, my spouse is so ill, is there no hope?
* It depends what you are hoping for
Doctor, doctor I’m addicted to brake fluid
* Nonsense man, you can stop anytime
Doctor doctor, I couldn't drink my medicine after my bath like you told me
* Why not?
Well after I've drunk my bath I haven't got room for the medicine
Doctor doctor, every time I drink a cup of hot chocolate I get a stabbing pain in the eye
* Try taking the spoon out first
Doctor, doctor I feel like a sheep.
* Oh that's very baaaaaaaad!
Doctor doctor, I feel like a pair of curtains
* Pull yourselves together man
Doctor, doctor I think I need glasses
* You certainly do missy, this is the fish and chip shop!
Doctor, Doctor I think I'm a bell?
* Hmm, take these and if it's not better soon, give me a ring!
Doctor doctor, What can I do? Everyone thinks I'm a liar?
* I find that very hard to believe!
Doctor doctor, they've dropped me from the cricket team - they call me butterfingers
* Don't worry, what you have is not catching
Doctor doctor, people keep ignoring me . . .
* Next please
Doctor doctor, I've got acute appendicitis
• You've got a cute little dimple too
Doctor, doctor, I've only got 59 seconds to live
* Just wait a minute will you . . .
Doctor doctor, I've gone all crumbly, like a cheese biscuit...
* You're crackers
Doctor, doctor I snore so loud I keep myself awake
* Sleep in another room then!
Doctor, doctor you've got to help me - I just can't stop my hands shaking!
* Do you drink a lot?
Not really - I spill most of it!
Doctor, doctor my nose runs and my feet smell
* I fear you might have been built upside down
Doctor, doctor I've broken my arm in two places
* Hmm, I'd advise you not to go back to either of those places then
Doctor doctor you said i'd be dead in ten - ten what? years? months?
* 10, 9, 8, 7, 6...
Doctor, Doctor I’m scared of Father Christmas
* You’re suffering from Claus-trophobia
Doctor doctor I keep seeing spots before my eyes
* Have you seen a doctor already?
No, just spots
Doctor doctor I can't help it, I just keep thinking I'm a moth
* You need a psychiatrist not a doctor
I know, but I was walking past and I saw your light was on..
Doctor, Doctor - I've got amnesia
* Just go home and try to forget about it...
Doctor, Doctor - you have to help me out...
* Certainly. Which way did you come in?
Doctor, Doctor - Aaa, Eee, I, oooh! You...
* I think you may have irrtitable vowel syndrome..
