Drunk Jokes

Things that are DIFFICULT to say when drunk:

1. Innovative
2. Preliminary
3. Anaesthetist
4. Cinnamon
5. Chrysanthemum

Things that are VERY DIFFICULT to say when drunk:

1. Specificity

2. Rhipidistian-Amphibian Transition
3. Anti-constitutionalistically
4. Transubstantiate
5. Sphygmomanometer

Things that are downright IMPOSSIBLE to say when drunk:

1. Thanks, but I don't want to have sex.
2. Nope, no more booze for me.
3. Sorry, but you're not really my type.
4. Mac Donalds? No thanks, I'm not hungry.
5. Good evening, officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight?
6. Oh, I couldn't. No one wants to hear me sing karaoke.
7. I'm not interested in fighting you.
8. Thank you, but I won't make any attempt to dance, I have no coordination.    I'd hate to look like a fool.
9. Where is the nearest toilet? I refuse to hurl in the street.
10. I must be going home now as I have work in the morning.

           

The Nun

At the end of the night, a man leaves the bar. Outside he sees a nun. He walks over to her and slaps her in the face. Then he punches her in the stomach and knocks her over.

He proceeds to kick her several times and when he's done he bends down to her and says, "Not so tough tonight, are you Batman?"

Not Guilty!

A guy, sitting outside his home about to be evicted from his house, was contemplating how the future would be after he had divorced his wife, lost his children and lost his job...

He notices a crate of beer bottles and walks up to it.

He takes out an empty bottle, smashing it into the concrete wall swearing, "You are the reason I don't have a wife," second bottle, "You are the reason I don't have my children", third bottle "You are the reason I lost my job."

He notices the fourth bottle is sealed and still full of beer. He takes the bottle, puts it aside and says, "Stand aside my dear friend; I know you were not involved."

How Old is this Drink?

An old guy walks into a bar and asks for a bottle of forty-year old Scotch. The bartender, not wanting to give up the good liquor, purse a shot of ten-year Scotch and figures that the guy won't be able to tell the difference.

The guy downs the Scotch and says, "This Scotch is only ten years ten years old! I specifically asked for forty-year old Scotch."

Amazed, the bartender reaches into a locked cabinet underneath they bar and pulls out a bottle of twenty-year old Scotch and pours the man a shot.

The guy drinks it down and says, "That was twenty -year old Scotch... I asked for forty-year old Scotch."

So the bartender goes into the back room and brings out a bottle of thirty-year old Scotch and pours the guy a drink.

By now a small crowd has gathered around the man and is watching anxiously as he downs the latest drink. Once again the guy states the true age of the Scotch and repeats his original request for forty-year old scotch. The bartender can hold off no longer and disappears into the cellar to get a bottle of prime forty-year old Scotch. Soon, the bartender returns with the bottle and pours a shot.

The guy downs the scotch and says, "Now this is forty-year old Scotch!"

The crowd applauds his discriminating palate.

An old drunk who had been watching the proceedings with interest, raise a full shot glass of his own and says, "Here, take a swig of this."

The guy takes the glass and downs the drink in one swallow. Immediately, he chokes and spits out the liquid on the bar room floor.

"My God! That taste like piss," he yells.
"Great guess," says the drunk. "Now, how old am I?"

Blurred Vision

A drunk walks in the front door of a bar and yells "Bartender, gimme a drink!"
The bartender says "Sir, you're already intoxicated. I can't serve you."
The drunk grumbles and walks out the front door.
A few minutes later, he comes in the side door yelling "Bartender, gimme a drink!"
The bartender says "I already told you...you're drunk and I can't serve you!"
The drunk grumbles and walks out the side door.
A few minutes later he comes in the back door yelling "Bartender, gimme a drink!"
The bartender says "Look, buddy, I told you twice, you're too drunk and if you don't leave now I'm calling the law!"
The drunk looks at him, awestruck. Finally, he asks "Just how many bars do you work in, anyway?"

 

Drunk Powers

Two men are sitting drinking at a bar at the top of the Empire State Building when the first man turns to the other and says: "You know, last week I discovered that if you jump from the top of this building, by the time you fall to the 10th floor, the winds around the building are so intense that they carry you around the building and back into the window." The bartender just shakes his head in disapproval while wiping the bar.

The second guy says, "What are you a nut? There is no way in hell that could happen." "No, it's true," said the first man, let me prove it to you." He gets up from the bar, jumps over the balcony, and plummets to the street below. When he passes the 10th floor, the high wind whips him around the building and back into the 10th floor window and he takes the elevator back up to the bar.

He met the second man, who looked quite astonished. "You know, I saw that with my own eyes, but that must have been a one time fluke." "No, I'll prove it again," says the first man as he jumps. Again just as he is hurling toward the street, the 10th floor wind gently carries him around the building and into the window.

Once upstairs he urges his fellow drinker to try it. "Well, what the hell," the second guy says, "it works, I'll try it!" He jumps over the balcony plunges downward, passes the 11th, 10th, 9th, 8th floors... and hits the sidewalk with a "splat." Back upstairs the bartender turns to the other drinker, saying "You know, Superman, you're a real a*$h*le when you're drunk."

Three Alcoholics and A Fly

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman ordered pints of ale at the local pub. As fate would have it, each of their drinks had a fly swimming in it.
The Englishman called the tavernkeeper over and said, "There's a fly in my ale! Throw this out and give me another."
The Irishman simply flicked the fly out of his own drink and continued drinking.
The Scotsman pulled the fly out of his drink, started squeezing it between his thumb and forefinger, and said to the fly, "Alright, spit it out! Spit it out!"

Husband and Wife

After her husband has gone back to refill his drink for the fifth time at a host's party, the wife looks at him and says, "Aren't you embarrassed to keep going back for more?"

Husband says, "Nope. I Keep telling them it's for you!"

A Shot of Whiskey

A man walks into a bar and orders a shot of whiskey then looks into his pocket. He does this over and over again. Finally, the bartender asks why he orders a shot of whiskey and afterwards look into his pocket. The man responded, "I have a picture of my wife in there and when she starts to look good then i'll go home."

Bar One Liners

A hamburger walks into a bar and the bartender says, "Sorry, we don’t serve food in here."

A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says, "So, why the long face?"

A skeleton walks into a bar and says, "Gimme a beer, and a mop."

A soccer ball walks into a bar. The bartender kicked him out.

A magician walks down an alley and turns into a bar.

A man walks into a bar. OUCH! You would have thought he would have seen it! A dyslexic guy walks into a bra.

A neutron walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender sets the beer down and says, “For you, no charge!”

An Irishman walks out of a bar. Hey, it COULD happen!

 

Drunk Husband

A wife was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband's key in the door. "Stay where you are," she said. "He's so drunk he won't even notice you're in bed with me." Sure enough, the husband lurched into bed none the wiser, but a few minutes later, through a drunken haze, he saw six feet sticking out at the end of the bed. He turned to his wife: "Hey, there are six feet in this bed. There should only be four. What's going on?" "Nonsense," said the wife. "You're so drunk you miscounted. Get out of bed and try again. You can see better from over there." The husband climbed out of bed and counted. "One, two, three, four. You're right, you know."

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